my name is clio and I'm having an existential crisis

[jlh]

I don't really like posting when I'm having an existential crisis, but I'll lay out a few thoughts that have been swirling in my head over the past 24 hours:

1. There's been a spate of LJ hacking, shoebox being the latest. I would rather that my email and LJ not be hacked.
   
2. Later in folk's journal it seemed that what I have to do is memorize 40 strings of random numbers and letters that have no actual meaning to me or anyone else, without ever writing them down, while also memorizing an additional 40 strings of random number, letters, and symbols so that I have alternate answers to the "did you lose your password" questions.
   
3. Problem: I can't memorize random numbers, letters, and symbols. I remember phone numbers as patterns on the keypad. I remember dates because of their place in the continuum of history--it's sort of a multidimensional timeline in my head. I've never been able to memorize formulas; instead I remembered what the formulas meant, so that I could rework them out when I needed the formula. I figure out all percentages using algebra, for example, and geometric formulas have a certain logic. Logic is how I got through calculus, not rote memorization
   
4. Therefore, I'm doomed to be hacked.
   
5. And then on metafandom, I read a horrible story about someone's entire online life being hacked by some real-life stalker who has now spread around fake confessions about being a plagiarist.
   
6. And then I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm frankly not important enough for anyone to hack my LJ; I'm not a big enough target. After all, I've never even been harassed for my unlocked RPS, and that happens to everyone. I am a very small fish.
   
7. And then I feel bad about that, because I have friends who are very popular, and it's not like being hacked is the price of being popular, or anything.
   
8. Still, I've only been mentioned on a hate meme once in the entire time I've been on fandom. Not because I'm so awesome, but because you gain no social advantage by slagging me off--I'm just not important enough.
   
9. I say not because I'm so awesome, because of course awesome people get mentioned on hate memes.
   
10. And that reminded me of crisis I had during the msscribe mess, where people were all, "she must not exist because I can't google her real name." You can't google my real name. The only thing I just found when I googled my real name was my signature on an ecard for John Edwards when he quit the race.
    
11. And since I'm adopted, I don't even know anyone who was present when I was born. I have to trust the state of Maine that my birth certificate is correct, that I was born when and where I say I was.
    
12. True story: when my father and I went to get a copy of my birth certificate, so I could get my first social security card (I was about 12), we didn't realize that all the information had been officially changed when I was adopted. That is, on my birth certificate are my adoptive parents and the name that they gave me. We were trying to get it under my birth name as listed on my adoption papers--which also isn't real, since it was a closed adoption.
    
13. Which means that I don't actually know my real name, because I haven't looked up my birth parents, and my birth certificate, in a sense, isn't real at all.
    
14. So all of this is a fake. There is nothing about me that is verifiable. Some of you have met me, so you know there is a person of my general appearance who answers to my name, and I have a social security number and I've filed taxes and I have a passport, but any or all of those things are easy to fake, right?
    
    
    So how do you know that you even exist?

Comments

[heinous_bitca.livejournal.com]

BTW, I've found the easiest way to have a password that is complex, but easy to remember, is to take a phrase that you know well enough and take the first letters of each word in it. Say, "The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog." That becomes a password of "tqbfjotld." You can mix up o's for 0's, throw in capitals, and then just say the phrase in your head to remember it. I have actually started using foreign word phrases from one of my favorite comedians as a base for my passwords.

I know I exist because I can touch myself. ;)

[phoenixsong]

Hack-worthy or not, you are awesome. *squish*

I am ashamed to admit that I use the same password in far too many places where I really should change it up for security purposes. I got lazy from being at this job for 4.5 years now and having to change my network password every 90 days.

I will spare you my adoption-birth certificate rant. Instead, I will tell you that I had something of an identity crisis over the summer. First I got married and changed my name; I felt like I had no last name until the marriage certificate came back and didn't know how to introduce myself to people. Then I found my hands on the keyboard one day, going to adoption.com's reunion registry without checking with my brain first, and ending up finding my birth name. I feel no connection with that name whatsoever, and found it entirely not funny when my husband and mom both "jokingly" called me by that name. (Did I mention that for most of my 30 years of existing, I have had zero interest in "reunion" with my birthparents? And I'm still terribly ambivalent on the subject?)

[mahoni.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for threadjacking, but,

(Did I mention that for most of my 30 years of existing, I have had zero interest in "reunion" with my birthparents? And I'm still terribly ambivalent on the subject?)

Yes. And people who know that think it's weird and confusing of me to feel that way. I've never been secretive about being adopted, but I kind of hate that I'm expected to explain myself on that point.

[phoenixsong]

Argh, YES. I remember people in choir cornering me on this in high school. Sorry, no primal wound here. I'm all for open access to original records, but personally, if my birthparents showed up on my doorstep one day? I'd have to find a polite way to tell them "sorry, not really interested, have a nice day."

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Really? I find it weird and confusing that they don't just take what you say about your feelings at face value! I mean...why should you care? I get why some people do but it makes just as much sense that you don't. If I were adopted I honestly don't know what I would want to do. My instinct says I wouldn't want to find out that much.

[lillijulianne.livejournal.com]

i never had any interest, either. and yes, people often thought it weird, though no one was ever an asshole on the subject. in my case my biological mother eventually did show up. because of the way she approached me- through a third party, and very respectful of the amount of time it took me to decide to meet her- we now have a very nice friendship. but i never felt that i was missing a mother, and i don't think of her as a mother.

[mahoni.livejournal.com]

You know what's kind of hilarious: I could copy and paste your entire entry into my LJ and the only thing I'd have to leave off as not applicable to me is #10. Even the being adopted stuff. (Okay, also I didn't see anything at folk's LJ but the rest of that business about not being able to remember stuff like that is true.)

YOU ARE A SOCKPUPPET OF ME. DON'T LIE.

[/obnoxious]

But seriously, I've had similar thoughts about this recent hacking story -- that coming up with a better password would be a pain but that I'm frankly not important enough to be hacked anyway so why worry...

[soupkills.livejournal.com]

I will give you a *hug* for the existential part, but also actually have password management advice...

Write your passwords down on a small piece of paper.

This sounds like the exact opposite of what everyone tells you to do, but actually you're already quite good at tracking small pieces of paper. Think of your credit cards, drivers license, etc.

This way, your passwords can be arbitrarily complex without you having to remember them.

You could also look into one of the password vault programs out there that encrypt your passwords so that you only have a single password to write down on your piece of paper. This won't work well for things you need to log into when not at your computer.

[folk.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. There's no reason why I have to remember that my Amazon password is like &jU94s**op, because I type it in maybe once a month. (I remember it; I'm good at passwords. It's a flaw.) It's on a piece of paper somewhere safe, with a couple of the digits or letters changed.

The slightly less secure but more memorable option is to use parts of non-dictionary words, then some numbers. Like klE555-1212ptO, remembering that your vowels are capitalized and your phone number from when you were 5 is in the middle.

(Sorry if I freaked you out with the password security, Clio. ♥)

[soupkills.livejournal.com]

Also, use letters out of a phrase, surround it with a phone number or other significant number, and tadah!

ladies and gentleman, elvis has left the building. -> lAg,Ehltb.

is pretty damn secure, and not hard to remember. If you use a slightly less obvious scheme (second letter, or sequential letters) you can just write down the passphrase and only need to remember the scheme.

[folk.livejournal.com]

Yep! (Not your SSN, of course. :D)

I'm a fan of song lyric-based semi-secure passwords. Clio, that might take your fancy, actually. Vktrs!Immaimc1980s, from Video killed the radio star! In my mind and in my car, would work well.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

# True story: when my father and I went to get a copy of my birth certificate, so I could get my first social security card (I was about 12), we didn't realize that all the information had been officially changed when I was adopted. That is, on my birth certificate are my adoptive parents and the name that they gave me. We were trying to get it under my birth name as listed on my adoption papers--which also isn't real, since it was a closed adoption.

I can see how this alone could precipitate an existential crisis. My DD's adoption is somewhat open; we met her birthparents at the time she was born (I was in the birthing room!) but once the adoption was finalized, the amended birth certificate contained only OUR names, not birthmom and dad's.

That said, your birth certificate verifies your birth date and time, birth weight and length, location, race (ugh, you know what I mean) - which narrows things down ITO you versus someone else who might have your name. If that made any sense.

random

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

This sounds a lot like Descartes to me and he was a huge proponent of algebra. I have seen you and I believe you are who you say you are.

[ali-wildgoose.livejournal.com]

Most people are not "important" enough to be hacked! I'm certainly not! And really, that has more to do with being the sort of person who has "enemies" and do you really want that shit? It seems far more of a pain in the ass than anything else.

And you exist because you are a physical person who roams around the world and sometimes sits on my couch and is currently (very kindly) feeding my cat.

(Can you tell I don't have a lot of patience with existential crises? ;3 )

[kay-taylor.livejournal.com]

Do not has existential crisis! You definitely exist. I can see your icon RIGHT THERE. *kiss*

I'm terrified of the whole "PASSWORD NOT SECURE" thing b/c I just don't think I have it in me to remember 8 variants on 287ndB8;;12xUY or suchlike. That being said, I am also not important enough (I hope) to be hacked, particularly as you can't see anything in my journal if you're not on my flist and logged in!

If you google my real name, you don't find me. Trufax. If you google my LJ name, you get (a) a porn star, (b) a spiritualist, and (c) a very senior barrister in London who is ACTUALLY CALLED Kay Taylor, and I feel sorry if he ever gets stuff intended for me :(

[dana-kujan.livejournal.com]

12. I'm sorry. I don't understand #12. How could your father not have known they changed the bc when you were adopted? I'm assuming your parents' lawyer would've explained that to them, and that's what they would've been waiting (with baited breath) for. When I adopted our Kid as a "second parent" (Maryland has that really cool family law), her bc was re-issued with two mothers listed. We couldn't wait to get the new, official one in our hot hands! Why would you want your ssn in your "original," no longer legal name? Also, and I don't mean to cause you any pain, but would your birth parent(s) have even given you a name?

[lillijulianne.livejournal.com]

i don't think about it much. but then i went rhrough a whole bishop berkeley thing in high school and i would go around saying "prove to me that chair is actually there."