Friending, and defriending, and reading, and trust, and things.

[jlh]

I decided a while back that I was going to create a personal journal for my RL and make this journal fandom-only. There are few locked posts on this journal since I started my personal one some months back, and those few are nearly all plot posts for my betas. It makes me sad to think that people don't respect the trust that I or someone else have put in them and show a locked post to others, but this is nothing new. Worse things have been done, trust me.

I'm not defriending anyone because of who they have on their friendlist. People are responsible for their own actions and no one else's. If you want to defriend me because I have someone you don't like friended, there's the door.

If I don't like the actions of someone on my friendlist, I will give them the respect of talking to them about it privately. I should not have to prove to any third party that I did this. If I don't like the actions of someone that I know is a friend of a friend, I might talk to that friend about it. But I won't blame them for it.

If I don't like the sort of things someone posts, I defriend them. Occasionally I filter them out if they're on some bender about something I don't care about, but mostly, I defriend. If they are someone that I personally like, then I'll just skip the post. Yeah, it can be irritating, but I'm an adult. I can adapt.

Things I find irritating mostly include talking about your own rpg in your personal journal for any reason other than casting announcements, as I personally feel this is tacky. Also, if you want to contact one person to say one specific thing perhaps you should try email.

I took a few people off of my personal journal because I don't really talk to them that often anymore and I tend to post about very personal things (family drama, doubts, etc). This is my fandom journal and I don't do that here.

However, I am going to be trimming down the flist today, taking off people that I really feel I don't have much in common with and adding a few people here and there, and putting this friending policy on my info page:

Despite the name, friendslist doesn't mean friend. It either means "a journal I like to read" or "a person whom I trust to have access to certain posts". Some of my friendslist is the former, some the latter. Sometimes people go back and forth.

I am not a big joule or friends count checker, so if you've friended me I may well not have noticed. This is leftover from the days when most of the people who friended me were fangirls of one BNF friend of mine or another rather than people who wanted to read my journal or even knew who I was separate from being that BNF's friend.

But I'm beginning to see, nicely, that people are friending me because they want to. If you want to make yourself known, please comment! Let me know who you are and why you've friended me! And no, you absolutely don't have to ask for permission.

I am very slow to friend back, for two reasons: I hate defriending, and I'm shy. I've met most of my friendslist in person and that will likely be the way that I add people from now on, but there are exceptions. That isn't to say, however, that my friending you is like some prize; all it means is that I'm reading your journal.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Comments

[angiej.livejournal.com]

I hear you about everything you've said above.

I have you friended from a couple of years ago, back when we had friends in common; I've only recently started reading my flist again after about 18 (blissful) months out of fandom. I don't care much if people friend or don't friend me; as I said in my return post, whosoever will, let them come... and I tend not to defriend for any reason whatsoever, even if I've been defriended. *shrug* Life's too short, and at this point in my life, fandom's just not that deep.

Anyway, all the best to you in 2005... I'll be reading your public, fandom posts, as long as those keep coming.

[jlh.livejournal.com]

Ebony, it's great to see you back. I'm always very uncertain about defriending those who just don't seem active, since I won't know when they come back!

I think the most adult thing to do is what will make you the most comfortable, whatever that is. And the most childish thing to do is want other people to make those sort of adult choices unnecessary. It's easy to be childish and irresponsible when one's behavior doesn't affect one's "real life", and even easier when one can do it anonymously so that it doesn't even affect one's online life. I'm striving to be the sort of person that doesn't react in childish ways. I'm not perfect, but at least it's a goal.

And you are so right. Fandom is just not that deep.

Best to you as well!

[angiej.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[tarie.livejournal.com]

This is your own journal. I don't think you should feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone as to how or why you do or do not friend people, etc. These ljs are our personal space, our own place to record our thoughts and feeling and such. When it starts to feel all political or something, it's time to step back.

I admire you for the fact that you can say what you think/feel and are not apologetic about it in the least. And I have to say that I agree with a lot of what you've said here .

[jlh.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm just tired of expressing these thoughts only in chat. I don't want to be one of those people who can only say what they think when they are anonymous. It's just not the way I want to live my life. I'm not perfect at this yet by any means, but I'm striving toward it.

Also, I don't think being truthful = being mean. You can say that you disagree without being disagreeable. And my friends who feel differently about anything I said here, already know how I feel and I think we have agreed to disagree, with respect. Which really I think is all you can ask for.

I think on LJ there's this tension between "your LJ is your space"; LJ being a node in a social network; and LJ as entertainment. I'm always surprised by the reactions to people's LJ's that are essentially, "Shut up about thing Q that I don't care about and get back to what entertains me". I think that's just another part of the amazingly self-centered way that some people approach online life, and it destroys communities.

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

>:D

[jlh.livejournal.com]

>:D

[jessindistress.livejournal.com]

Hi there-

I forget when I friended you, but it was most likely in response to seeing something you'd replied with on someone else's journal and thinking, "I like her politics." And when I got to your journal, I just loved the way you write and express your opinions on things.

Nonetheless, I can understand needing your own space. Seriously. (I've left the fandom, myself)

If you want me to unfriend you, lemme know. :)

Take care, all the same.

~Jess

[morgaina.livejournal.com]

I friended you after meeting you at last year's 4th of July party in New York: we sat outside chain-smoking and talking about hurricanes and New England childhoods. Good times, good times.

I still have you friended because you were wicked in person and you're wicked online. You write the posts that I want to but can't quite articulate.

[jlh.livejournal.com]

Definite good times.

I'm so sorry you've been having all this constant roommate drama! You really seem to know what your boundaries are and won't let others cross it. That is an excellent quality.

[morgaina.livejournal.com]

Both of the roommates are out of state til Jan 9... I don't know if I can handle 12 days of peace. I've even been sleeping! Crazy.

I think things will chill out when they get back; I'm hoping some time apart will let us all kinda reflect on the past 4 months.

And now to skip work and take my brother shopping...

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Your friending policies are sage and wise.

[jlh.livejournal.com]

Thank you! >:D

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Well, now this is an intriguing post if I ever saw one. And I don't think I have to tell you why I read your journal. I presume I don't. :) You must know of my deep and abiding love for you by now.

*rubs noses*

[jlh.livejournal.com]

*rubs noses*

Intriguing? Really? Golly. Well, some of it was inspired by what you said about being more honest about who your friends are. Then also I talked to some folks on the phone. I don't know why people think that fandom has to be as political as, say, the workplace. Seems sort of silly to me, and I've certainly fallen into that trap before.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Also:

Also, if you want to contact one person to say one specific thing perhaps you should try email.

That was really freaking funny. Just had to add.

[mmichelle.livejournal.com]

I am very slow to friend back, for two reasons: I hate defriending, and I'm shy.

Dude, yes. I always feel bad when someone friends me & I don't friend them back, but I check out every single person who reads my journal, and if it seems like we don't have much in common, or it seems like I wouldn't enjoy reading their journal much, I just don't friend them. And, I mean, they seem like really nice people, but why should I friend them if there's the significant possibility that our differences will come between us in the future and lead to defriending. I hate defriending -- I think that, to date, I've only defriended one journal that hadn't been deleted, or that itself wasn't going through a big flist downsizing (as those are usually the only two scenarios in which I defriend). And that one time I just had to -- I felt bad because wah, defriending seems mean (it sounds mean! I hate that it's called a "friends list") but I just could not continue reading that person's journal. And I have felt much better since then.

And I know we haven't interacted much in the past -- a few times on y!m, and I've posted a few comments here, and I love your fics of course, but for the record, in the nearly two years that I've had you friended I've never read a post of yours that did not add something to my day. Your posts tend to entertain and provoke thought, and I enjoy them thoroughly. And I friended this journal in the first place for you, not for whoever you're friends with.

Happy New Year in advance, Clio!

[allthatisgold.livejournal.com]

Hi :),

Hmm, well, honestly...I friended you because your fics were praised by the people I had already met in fandom (am a late-comer ;), and I intended to read them, but that was before I realized that fic-reading time was going to be almost non-existent for me after summer ended ;). So, while I still really haven't found too much time for fic-reading, I *did* find that I liked reading your entries.

I'm never really looking to be "friended" back when I friend someone myself (and I admire and agree with your philosphy regarding friending) because I tend to lurk and comment sparsely anyhow...I know my entries aren't really exciting in the least and that I'm not around much to actually be "friend-like" to many people anyway, if I'm being honest with myself.

So, there you have it ;).

*hugs*
Elise