jlh | yawn, whatever.

Most of the results shows are dull, but that was terrible.

the good

Crystal in black leather knee boots and a short skirt: hot
Crystal in glasses in the Ford ad: hot.
Siobhan's crazy boss, Brooks, refusing to shave. It's so Marshall Elliott in Anne's House O'Dreams. I feel like I went to high school with that guy. New England represent!
Ellen is aging really beautifully, isn't she? Eventually she'll have a little cap of white hair like her mother and she'll still be awesome. Simple is best.
Ryan: "Who do you listen to if you make it through?" Crystal: "Me."
Ryan being adorable with Ellen and Simon when he's supposed to be introducing Joe and Demi.
Tim being safe so he can continue to do ridiculous stuff and keep me amused. At least he's not boring.
Simon telling Paige not to bother singing for her life. I feel that was kinder, really.

the bad

An opening montage that tried really hard to make it sound like the judges praised anyone other than Crystal last night
Cool Story, Bro Theater presented by Ryan Seacrest. Only one of those stories was even close to interesting.
Ryan mysteriously leaving Casey and Lee hanging through the commercial break and Miley's performance
I like you, Didi? But don't talk, because I'd like to keep liking you.
Men cannot "babysit" their own children, RYAN. I know Big Mike is a special case because he can't live with his wife right now, but let's not perpetuate the whole "Dad babysitting" thing. It's sexist and gross.
Ryan: "What do you do?" Katie: "I do what feels good to me, which is what Kara tells me to do."

the ugly

A train wreck of a group number to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." I love the group numbers, even more when they're train wrecks, so the shitty choreography and the weird arrangement was hilarious to me, but I could have done without that close-up of Big Mike's meaty paw.
Miley's bullshit song from her bullshit Nicholas Sparks movie. Do any of us believe she was playing the piano? And when will we stop having this weird choreography where the singer starts out playing the piano and then gets up and a guitar player appears out of nowhere? She sounded bad (she needs to take it down a half step or so), she still doesn't know how to stand up straight, the dress made no sense and looked like a nightgown, the hair extensions didn't match her hair color and made me wonder if the dress even had a top, and you can't headbang in formal wear unless you're at prom.
Andrew, shut up. I liked you once, but now you're tiresome.
Did they bring Demi and Joe out to make the idols sound good? What was with that shiny suit? Demi moves like she's already playing Vegas—what was with those hand gestures? And did that song have a second verse?
For us NYC'ers, those really gross anti-smoking ads, with graphic close-up footage of open heart surgery. Yuck.