Things I Can't Say

[jlh]

Okay, so there's this meme where you put down stuff you can't say to people's faces. And it ends up being negative because the good shit, like, you can say, so that's sort of sucky, but eh, today is a day for catharsis.

1. What is it with you and the endless exclusive circles and the cooler-than-thou? Seriously, it brings everyone else back to eighth grade and ain't no one wants to revisit eighth grade.
   
2. In another time we would have been married. Sometimes I look at you and I think you know it too. Your mother certainly does. I wonder if we would have been happy, or if it would have been a horrible disaster.
   
3. I am so fucking angry with you for getting it, so angry that I can't even ask you how it happened, because it doesn't matter, because we both know why it happened, and while it isn't ever a judgement from God we both know how long you've been dancing with that particular devil. It makes me sad that you can't quite stop, even now. Even with all that I still love you like crazy but godDAMNit, how many times, how many times did I say "just don't get sick"?
   
4. I look at your life and I feel like the most dysfunctional irresponsible adult that ever walked the earth, even though I know that it isn't true, and that you don't even judge me the way that you did when you were younger, and that the comparison isn't even fair to you, but it's there, and sometimes I think it holds me back, that fearing your judgment or the judgment of others keeps me from asking for help when I need it.
   
5. I'm really sad that we can't be friends anymore. I know that's partially because of your weakness and the choices you've made, and I'm sad about that, too. I miss you lots.
   
6. Because of the choices you made you killed a dream for them. I hope you know that, and you've taken that in, even inside of yourself, even if they don't even want the apology from you at this point. I'd say that I hope it haunts you unto your death but I'm not even sure that you're alive.
   
7. In the end I had to decide that I'd rather have you think that I'm disloyal than continue to allow you to bring that poison into my life. And that was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.
   
8. Because of you, I can't even listen to "Because of You" without crying. I go long periods of forgiving you because you were doing the best you could, but the reality is that I was just a kid, and you weren't, and that you couldn't keep that in mind caused all the problems.
   
9. I wish you hadn't died before I could tell you in no uncertain terms what a complete source of evil you were, but I had a sense that you wouldn't even understand what I was talking about, or worse, that it would feed your ego, so I just didn't bother.
   
10. And I repeat: I was just a kid. And I wasn't even there, so I couldn't have helped her. And just because I wasn't surprised doesn't mean that I knew; it only means that I thought he was capable of anything, even that.
    
11. I just don't have a sense that you ever find any joy in your life, and that makes me really sad.
    
12. Oh my god, lady, like, control freak much? You have got to let some of this shit slide or all y'all are going to be in the loony bin soon.

Comments

[wordplay.livejournal.com]

Man, this sounds like a meme I could really get behind right now. Did it help at all?

[jlh.livejournal.com]

I don't know; it sort of came pouring out of me all but there's very little of it that I think I've been just DYING to say. Sometimes having things down in black and white makes them feel more like, yes, that is how I feel and I'm owning that. So there's that.

That said I can see why you would feel that way!

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

It all sounds valid, fwiw. And it makes me think how life is so complicated.

[locumtenens.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I'm never sure what to say about these kind of memes, but it seems like a lot of good stuff to get off your chest and just... out there.

[lillijulianne.livejournal.com]

this is powerful.

i know what you mean about its being less have-to-say-this than satisfying, in a quiet way, to see things in black and white. that's why it appealed to me.

[sisterpandora.livejournal.com]

At first, I was surprised that you had done this meme, after all the times we've discussed them. Then I read it and understood perfectly (or nearly so). Well done, love! I hope it worked its magic for you today.

[agentargent.livejournal.com]

Jeez, I feel better and I have no idea what you are talking about.

This is one of those things that constantly nags me: what are people really thinking? Maybe it's just because I'm bad at poker.

Anyway: I gotta try, myself.