What I Learned in the Fandom Wars, part 1: Proxy fights

[jlh]

So I don't usually play this card because whatever, the status someone had in some fandom three years ago means about as much as the Vice Presidency (that is, a bucket of warm spit). But if I had to go through all that shit back in the day, the least I can do is pass on the hard-earned knowledge to the rest of you.

HP friends, you were there, so feel free to ignore. Idolslash friends, pull up a chair.

So for those of you that don't pay attention to random wank (and good for you, I say) I have had friends who, well, a lot of people talk a lot of shit about. Friends like the erstwhile msscribe. Friends like Cassandra Claire. (By the way, CC is still a very good friend and while Dionne and I are taking a break at the moment, I'd rather that none of you talk shit about either of them in my LJ, kthx.) And I've seen what goes on, and I know where the bodies are buried, so really, understand how serious I am about this shit, and that I know what happens when things get really really wanky.

Wanky like, not being able to trust that your flocked posts aren't going to get seen by exactly the people that shouldn't see them. Wanky like chat transcripts being passed around like a coke-covered mirror at a party in 1980.

So verily I say unto you: Don't get into proxy fights.

I know how you feel when someone says something about someone you know, or a situation you are familiar with, and you want to go in and defend them. Trust me, I still have to sit on my hands every time someone makes a snarky comment about getting an ipod or a laptop for writing fic to keep myself from saying OMG THAT IS NOT HOW IT HAPPENED. So why, Clio, you might say, why do you not defend your friends? Well:

• It makes you look like storm troopers, or enforcers of some bullshit code. No matter who has the truth on their side (and more about that in a minute) swarming in and defending someone, especially if they are well known in fandom, a BFF for running an archive or writing a popular fic or whatever, just seems like bullying and being the thought police. It's not a good look.
  
• No one cares about the truth. That's the thing about the ipod story, or the laptop story: the truth is sort of dull. The rumor is a better tale. The better tale will always win, because humans like narrative better than history. You can't fight rumors with truth. You can only fight rumors with other stories that make you look better, or, distractions. This isn't just true in fandom—talk to your local political consultant.
  
• It makes the conflict much, much nastier. It spreads the animosity. It becomes about loyalty instead of just about, hey, people be nice. If someone was mean to your friend, then you know, ask them to take you off the filter of complaint, and move on with your life. Taking sides is just, ultimately, kinda pointless. It seems all noble and shit when you're doing it, but later it feels like a silly thing to do. The defriending, the leaving in a huff, it just, whatever with the drama. It loses its magic after a while.

I do get it. I was really caught up in 27 levels of palace intrigue and who said what to whom and who is or isn't reading what and all of that. I stayed up all night trying to get people to do what I, or someone else, wanted them to do. I covered for people. I did some things that while I'm not really ashamed of them, I think were unnecessary. If I sound like a recovering junkie, well, sure, except that I'm not in much danger of relapsing. I am really enjoying this drama free life.

I'm still not a side taker. I will defriend no one in the latest contretemps. Like all such arguments, I'm sure there is plenty of blame to go around, and plenty of hurtful things said on all sides. That's just human nature; it's the ones closest to us who can later hurt us the most. And defending your friend, acting on that loyalty, is also natural. But it just leads to a much bigger mess, in the end. Trust me. I know.

Now, given the Cotter Corollary, none of you will actually listen to a damn thing I said here, except those of you who already agree with me. But it makes me feel better, at least, to have said it.

Comments

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

So hard not to defend! But you make some damn good points. I'll try to remember them in future.

[ali-wildgoose.livejournal.com]

A. FUCKING. MEN.

[mmichelle.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU.

And by the way, I've always admired your stance of not really commenting on the stuff that goes on. Many moons ago, I let my temper get the better of me and made a post about some wank or another, and boom! Next thing I know, it's being discussed in a thread in the f_w comments. Never again, I tell you. Never again.

Anyway, an excellent post! ♥

[tropes.livejournal.com]

<3<3<3

I forget about all that for months at a time, being in a much friendlier clime and mood nowadays. (Is it the drugs? I think it's the drugs.) Then I remember, and my blood pressure rises all over again. FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS SPREAD WANK. <3<3<3

[soupkills.livejournal.com]

I <3 having my own Corollary. :D

Also, I <3 my generally drama-free life. Drama free since '03!

[zorb]

*sets out rocking chairs on the fandom porch for everyone*

Indeed.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Rocking chairs? Excellent. I have Lynchburg lemonade!

[honestys-easy.livejournal.com]

You rock, and I kinda want to have your fandom babies. :)

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

I try to ignore all wank, especially anything that has to do with me. I can't control what others think about what I've said or written. I think a Zen attitude about wank is healthy.

[malachan.livejournal.com]

Ah, Potter wank. Those were complicated days.

[lillijulianne.livejournal.com]

well, you know how i feel. in my first online incarnation i was deeply invested in more intrigues than the court of the sun king. in fact, there was a liaisons dangereuses plot unfolding right on the net. never again. right now there seems to be stuff going on everywhere i post, and it's awful.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Dude, you're SO RIGHT. As an "oldbie" I've certainly seen my share of wank, and I've leapt into the fray to defend people. All it's done is bite me on the ass, hasn't changed anyone's mind, and the people about whom the wank is propagated still get splooged on. So, like you said, it's much more prudent (though very hard to do!) to sit back and just observe. The truth eventually comes out. Now, whether the truth matters to those who wank... that's another LJ post right there.

In other words, Wordy McWord, man.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

EEK! Sometimes I don't really miss fandom.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Nowadays I try to only be friends with people perfectly capable of defending themselves :D :D :D It removes all temptation.

[locumtenens.livejournal.com]

Very well said, my dear. ♥

...given the Cotter Corollary...

*grin* Well, it made me feel better to read it! :)

[conob.livejournal.com]

Word. It's funny how, amidst wank, people listen to any sort of truth only when it comes from a random, seemingly unreliable source.